mintwilson

I am St. Melito of Sardis

2011-01-26T01:28:00.001+09:00

It's my first post for 2011. I have so many things in my mind that I wanted to write about. I have not found the time to stop and gather my thought to create imagery and confine them in English grammar structure.

This is just a quick filler before that time come. A "what kind of drink are you?" "Oh, I am a lemon bitter tea; my life is a tragedy and you are the cause of it"-quiz, only this time it's about Church Father. So I found out that I am St Merlito of Sardis:

You’re St. Melito of Sardis!

You have a great love of history and liturgy. You’re attached to the traditions of the ancients, yet you recognize that the old world — great as it was — is passing away. You are loyal to the customs of your family, though you do not hesitate to call family members to account for their sins.

Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

The picture is from Pitt Theology Library
From 5 strange choices, it came out that conclusion. Yes only 5. One of the choices is about guilty pleasure and from all of the options none is what I can call even remotely as pleasure. Self mutilation certainly is not.

I had no idea who was St. Melito so I surfed a bit and ended up reading about Marcus Aurelius instead. St. Melito wrote a letter to this Roman Emperor. Church celebrates St Melito feast's on 1st April. The day that largely known as the Fool's day. (Sighs)...That's me all right.

Banana Bread and Frisbee

2010-07-07T15:51:00.000+09:00

That's my first bread ever. Trust this hapless-in-kitchen girl to turn a simple recipe of white bread into a flying disc. Really. It's hard as stone. The taste was awful.

But I am persistent. And the fruit is this beautiful thing:

A banana bread which smell wonderful and taste just as awesome. I am quite proud of it.

I got the recipe from a site called Freshloaf :

Better Banana Bread
Makes 1 huge loaf or 3 small loaves

Preheat the oven to 350.

In one bowl, combine:

1/2 stick (4-5 tablespoons) butter, softened
2 eggs
2 or 3 very ripe bananas
1 cup vanilla or plain yogurt
2/3 cup sugar

Use a potato masher, fork, or spoon to squish the banana and mix the ingredients together.

In another bowl, combine:

1 1/2 cup all-purpose unbleached flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)

Combine the wet and dry ingredients and mix until the ingredients are blended together.

Pour the dough into greased baking pans and bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Enjoy!

Nagging doubts

2010-07-07T14:45:00.000+09:00

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.- Rene Descartes

So, I have my doubt. It is not something that I am proud of but it is just the way it is. And carrying torches from long line of believers that have been dealing with their own doubts, I am glad to say that I have come to term with mine. I accept that my doubt co-exist with my faith everyday and collide just as often and I am okay with it.

Some of my doubt sprung more because of what ingrain in me and of who I am, I think. I am an Asian girl. With that come some set of way of thinking which I find quite the opposite of what Church teach (or what I think what my Church teach, btw my Church basically have this western tradition and not the Orthodox Asian kind).

Like how I find the duality in life. Of happiness and sadness. Good and bad. Yin and Yang.They exist side by side. Without one the other will render meaningless. I find joy in relieving my sore body in warm bubble bath after a long day working in a humid climate. There is element of pain there without which I would not find this kind of joy. The two sides intertwine each other. I like being sad. I am odd that way. But only through sadness I know what it means being happy.

Pain is another sign you are alive. I don't know how Western view pain. What I know how they try to escape it like some plague. How many pain reliever there is on market? Things to numb your senses for a while so you would not feel that your body is giving you signal that something need to be fixed.

This view I hold come in classing with what Christianity teach of heaven:

Revelation 21:
¹Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ²I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (New International Version)

I can not for the life of me imagine such a world without pain and sadness. I probably would not like it. If there is no tear what's the meaning of laughter? How bored would I be. How would my eyes work if the system of pain that protect them all this time lifted? That kind of place is not heaven for me. It's hell. And to imagine it's going on FOREVER....my birdbrain just...explodes into pieces. (I know I exaggerated there, but still). Forever is such a scary word.

The other thing is about God who care enough about bird and some field flower but when it comes to my beloved ones becomes very vague about His provision. I mean no matter how much I pray, the outcome is not contingent of that prayers. What kind of god ask me to trust Him and pray but when it matters most He step away.

I doubt in sentimental things. I even doubt my Christian experiences. They seems so far away now. In hind sight, I often thought about it and wonder if it's only my emotional reaction to some event in my life. Did I fake it? No. When I experienced it, I felt it genuinely, but what if my senses played a trick on me. It seems God think I am a real grown up now since I rarely have this kind of assurance anymore. They say only baby Christians need constant reminder of God's presence.

This line of thinking sometimes tortures me. Having gone trough it makes me appreciate my atheist friends better. I might have made my way to prayer list of some Christians out there with this. Those who just are so sure about their faith. It doesn't matter. I'll live. Faith and doubt and all. It's just me.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"- Mark 9:24

Recommended for you

2010-05-27T14:52:00.000+09:00

Some Facebookers (enough number of them that Facebook CEO felt the need to apologize in open letter published by Washington Post) would tell you how the latest foray of this social network threaten their privacy. A program called "instant personalization" draws information from a person's profile to customize sites such as the music service Pandora. Sites would reflect your tastes and interests and you wouldn't have to search around for news and songs that interest you. Earlier this year Google has the same glitch on privacy issue with their Buzz program.

I don't have facebook account to worry about my privacy there. I do wonder about this so called "instant personalization". I have my google customized and sometimes I wonder about the ads show up in my page. What do this site do with my personal info? Do they share it with third party?I try to protect my self as much as I could by sharing as little as I could while on the net.

So they try to get your attention by sending you link that reflect your taste and interest...hmm. What I find amusing is Youtube's "Recommended for you" feature. I mean what the heck... Why would they recommend something so remote from what I watched so far, it's like something as far as 134340 (that's Pluto new name, by the way) from Earth.

Youtube suggested Robbie Williams-Sexed up video because I watched 'The Quran on my mind". And because I watched Author Forum: Property, Freedom and Society video they gave me link to Po pi po-Miku Hatsune Vegetable whatever that video is about. No connection whatsoever.

It's so odd it's amusing to find what they would suggest next.

What is it?

2010-05-15T19:26:00.000+09:00

When I first held it I thought it was letter opener. It has pointy edge but not too sharp. Since I don't receive snail mails often I thought about using it for something else :

So what do you think?

Dell Latitude D630

2010-05-09T19:26:00.001+09:00

I have been using Dell Latitude D630 laptop for 2 years now and keep facing fan problem. Any Dell Latitude D630 owner out there having the same problem? It can not stand heat and shut down on me on critical moment. Sometimes it seems the fan overwork itself to cool down the feverish laptop. Living in tropical climate environment has its disadvantage, the normal temperature here (30-34 Celsius or 86-93 Fahrenheit) diminish your chance to prolong computer's life span. Anyway, the one I used before I converted to Dell user seems to handle heat much better than Dell Latitude.

Requiem

2010-04-06T18:15:00.002+09:00

Someone I admire from afar and had been some kind of a teacher and a sober voice in my lonely journey -as a Christian struggling with doubt- passed away last night. Grief and sadness, I wish I know by now how to handle those.
Heartbroken I turn to my risen Christ.

Κύριε ἐλέησον,
Χριστὲ ἐλέησον,
Κύριε ἐλέησο.

Paskah

2010-04-05T17:23:00.000+09:00

.םק תמאב ; םק ח׳שמה
Christos anesti ; aléthos anesti!

Looks VS Performance

2010-04-01T16:16:00.000+09:00

So, I learn valuable lessons this last month. No matter how hot or cute or sophisticated they look, if they can't perform the way they should, they are 'sampah'.* I wasted so many hours to cure my sluggish laptop not to mention time I wasted yelling at dear Techy guy. It started when I decided that the Window's skin was too plain for Amazing Me. I downloaded a couple of skin templates online along with icon builder application. Sure thing my screen got their make over. It's wonderful, sweet and nice and everything. It's like plastic surgery or boob job, it looks nice until the silicone implant start leaking and poisoning blood and become the death of you.

I didn't know what doom await me after that fated skin changing, I wish I knew. My Dell slowed down, so slow I couldn't do anything but shut it down. It drove me nuts for days until dear Techy guy made drastic step by dropping many applications from the systems including the new skin templates. It did miracles. My Dell can breath easily but oh dear still too slow for my work pace in computer.

I might not know many things but net provided me with thousand of suggestions. One advice to you though, if you are like me; computer user with no skill whatsoever about computer programming, ask IT expert before you do anything. Or you would face the same fate as me. I ended up deleting something that I should not. You see, for my work I have SQL server. I gotta have this server run well for me to be able to do my job. This SQL server uses quite a lot memory and CPU usage. It's top priority that I do no harm to this VIP but I managed to change something that it sent SQL server error message every time I tried to use Sun System, the main program I use to work. It's just ..well...headache inducing (to put it mildly).

Right now, it works quite fine thanks to hours of praying and contemplating...and some internet surfing and overseas help (Thanks A). I do notice that the CPU usage sometimes is unusually high. I read task manager and Process Explorer and find out that every time I open iTunes or Firefox, it starts peaking up until it reach 100%. Now, I only recently started using iTunes after finding out one interesting podcast radio there that I would like to follow. The dear Techy guy had iTunes uninstalled previously to ease my CPU, but now I find Windows Media Player sound poor. The same song that I play in iTunes actually sounds better. So I installed iTunes back and put up with the pace slowing down every now and then.

After all this havoc I put myself into, I do learn many things important. I have cleaned up my windows registry, defragmented drivers, and I more aware then ever of malicious malware lurking in disguise of tech advice to download things that promise to 'make your PC run as new'. I just wish I didn't have to go through what I have gone through to learn them.

*Sampah = Bahasa Indonesia word for junk.

Make over

2010-03-24T16:15:00.000+09:00

My first entry for 2010. It's been quite some time since my last check in here, I was quite horrified finding out that the blog has deteriorated even worse than the last time I tried tweaking the html code. The last template has been somewhat a disappointment for me.

I decided to give it a new face. There are many Blogger templates in the net. But picking one that simple enough to be used by non techy while at the same time manage to get me one design that suit my eclectic taste is quite a trip in the template jungle. I find this one that I like from Deluxetemplate. Hopefully, the fresh look would motivate me enough to write again. If not, well you can always enjoy my attempt to look surprised below. (I did try to, I did, but chinky eyes can only open thus wide)

Thank you, Santa Brown

2009-12-20T19:51:00.005+09:00

I got my Christmas present early. Awesome.

This book has been in my to-read-list for a long time. Gracias!

Entertaining Epicurus while dancing to the tune of Pacific Ryhtm

2009-11-25T21:06:00.004+09:00

'Epicurus's old questions are yet unanswered. Is he willing to prevent evil, but not able? then he is impotent. Is he able, but not willing? then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? whence then is evil?'--David Hume, Dialogues concerning Natural Religion, Pt. X.

So here I am typing from a nice hotel room after some meetings, thinking how ironic that we talk about helping the poor of the poorest while sipping coffee, in a hip venue, argue about some details about budget source. It's not that I don't know that the meetings are necessities to form concrete plan so we can act in the most effective ways to help people and to come into the same goals with our donors, it's just I notice the stark difference way of life I lead with the kind of life most our beneficiaries lead.

Do you know how many people have to live with less than US$ 1 a day? Do you know how many mothers die in child birth because they don't have money to have proper health care? Do you know how many underage children have to work instead of getting edjukasion? They would end up illiterate, misspell words in their application to some millionaire's company and eventually have to steal or rob to fill their empty stomach.

Sometimes I think, working in Humanitarian Aid/charity organization is just like playing god. So many lives to save. So many hurting people. Which one first. This fallen earth that you call home is somebody's hell they yearn to be released from ASAP. To strike the perfect balance between helping people to rebuild their life and to get them to stand on their own. The worst thing a charity organization can do to a community is to stifle the people survival skill by making the community dependence to their presence.

Is human misery just an element of play plotted by deterministic Orchestrator? Are we just characters in some tragic Opus written for the gods entertainment? Does our pain serve a purpose? Or is it all just a meaningless accident in this vast universe? "Whatever answer that get you through the day, bro.." That's what they say. Can I tell that to a young lad who sawed his own leg that trapped by building ruins when the big quake shook Sumatera Island so he could escape the next coming rumble? Can I tell that to a young woman who kept crying "ya Allah, ya Allah...(Oh God, oh God)" when she found out she lost her right hand in that painful quake? What would I tell a bride who lost her lover on his way to their wedding when the earth beneath him started a dance - a death dance instead a wedding dance?

My own experience of pain is nothing dramatic but of course they are no less abhorrent to me as others'pain. There was a time when I wished the day to pass for I was too tired to even breath but when night came I prayed fervently for sun to rise because I was not tired enough to stop thinking about things that bring rain and thunder to my chinky eyes. When you are pushed till your back hit against the wall, philosophical answers would not do, sir. No, they just won't. I don't know how I got through the night. I remember how I curled on my bed like a baby crying and praying in between sob. There was no answers. In one of the most darkest time in my adult life, the One-I-depend-on-most kept silence. It sure seemed like that to me those sleepless nights. What I do know now, I got through the nights. No magical voice or miracles. But somehow I was sustained and comforted through each one of them. Lord knows I didn't want biblical answers of my whys then. Even answers of Epicurus dilemma would not have erased the pain. They might have satisfied the more rational me, but not the emotional me.

Epicurus' question is one of the toughest intellectual obstacle for many to believe in god. Surprisingly (or may be not), in area where misery seems like a permanent resident (Tsunami, poverty, low life quality etc. are common things Indonesians have to deal with everyday), most Indonesians I know can reconcile the idea of a benevolence God with what they see in everyday life. It's recognition of God's ownership over life. God has no obligation to prolong anyone's life nor has God obligation to make anyone's life easy. Babies or old men or any one. "God gives God takes away,"Job said. That God created you into existence is enough evidence for God's goodness. I wonder if Eastern idea of love and goodness is slightly different from Western idea of love and goodness. If you read religion history most ascetic religious rituals come from the East. That pain is not synonymous with bad.

Then there is Alvin Plantinga's Free Will defense. This one probably is the most popular apologetic answer for the Problem of Evil. Other have written about this defense and they do it much better than I can, so I'll be brief. Alvin Plantinga's Free Will defense is to answer the logical argument in the internal Problem of Evil, that is that the two statements:

1. An omnipotent, omnibenevolent God exists.

and

2. Evil exists.

are logically incompatible.

To refute the logical version of the internal problem of evil, one does not have to suggest a plausible solution; all he has to do is suggest a possible one. The advocate of a defense thus seeks merely to undercut the argument, not to explain why God permits evil and suffering in the world. Plantinga argues that if it's possible that God in His benevolence nature have granted human (or all the creatures really) with libertarian freedom, then that entail to a world where wrong action, bad decision, rebellion etc. exist. In that case the two statements are logically compatible.

One atheist I met built his argument along this line : men have less then perfect vision that cause a lot of car accidents, if God exists, God would have been able to prevent these from the start by giving men perfect vision. I said, why stop at perfect vision? Why not perfect body immunity so that there will be no cancer, no HIV, no wrinkles etc.

The Problem of Evil usually is directed at Christian God. In Hinduism or Greek Pantheon there are gods that aren't exactly benevolence or even nice. Take Shiva; the god's of destruction and creation. She destructs just to create anew. Or Mars; the gods of wars. Or Odin. So where this idea of a loving god -who adore you so unconditionally He won't let you make a mistake, get you a gorgeous blonde, keep you from car accident- come from?

In one cyber exchange, in her effort to answer why a good God let Tsunami happen and killed innocent babies, someone said that it's punishment for human sin so they can repent. When asked what goodness it brought when babies lost their parent, what sin should these baby repent from, I got silence. A man suprisingly gave me a bold stance that God is NOT good, God is just. That answer while not appealing to my own preference is more consistent. What I call good probably different from what is good in God's view. Even if God were evil, then what creature would go against the One whom he owe his existence from? Would a teapot grumble against the potter on why it has to go through a molding fire? Epicurus argument doesn't work in undermining god's existence in this sense.

Now, I don't believe in an evil god. I believe in the Christian God. He allows evil yes, but God also partakes in human misery. The man God, Yeshua Hamasiach suffers with human in His shameful death in cross, in His bitter cry "Eloi Eloi Lama Sabaktani ", betrayal and loneliness. In short God is the answer to the Problem of Evil.

An attempt to clarify my thoughts

2009-11-16T04:08:00.011+09:00

It's been sometimes I haven't posted anything new. Writing is one discipline I keep neglecting with excuse after excuse I can come up with. I need writing as my way of putting my thoughts into words so I can examine it, sharpen it, challenge it, and clarify it in the process. Lately, time to do so is just none. I almost have not even time to sleep properly. I remember last week when I went through a day like a zombie because I had not slept for more than 38 hours. I kept forgetting what number I was looking for in the Financial report, the numbing pain in my head was all I could think of.

Time like that is the time when all my nightmares come alive in my subconsciousness. Now I have a chance to slow down a bit, I can look through notes, words, scribbles of images that pop up in my head while I was sleep walking. Sweet Ganesha, I was emotionally raw there!

I don't write poem in English. My limited English vocabulary put boundaries how far I can explore the taste, sound and rhyme of words. My past attempt at it sounds cheesy to me. The words I wrote is more like a story in my head need to get out. I don't like to change the words to make it sound more sophisticated. Maybe it needs more polishing but for now here it is ... (Now I feel a bit nervous and unsure about it)

Confused

Come a little bit closer

Come find me

All these layers I am under

Come find me.

Stay where you are.

I need my wall to hide

What separate us

tis just glorious

shield me from pain

an umbrella under pouring rain

Oh but how I long to dance in the rain

to shake loose and follow your lead

Oh but how I can not stand the rythm

the tune of sorrow waves in the beat

This space between us

tis just glorious.

I keep you at bay for a purpose.

I am frightened

I am confused

Mistaken Identity: Is it an insult if you are mistaken as an atheist?

2009-09-24T14:07:00.007+09:00

To classify. To label. It seems most people have a knack to categorize things to their kinds. Which camp they belong to? Is he a democrat? Are you a libertarian? It is a beneficial activity. You don't want to feed a tiger grass, do you? Or serve pork to Muslim...That would mean death in some place on earth.

I have been mistakenly thought as something I am not a number of times. It's harmless mistake, mostly because them people did not know me for long enough. I could just laugh and moved on.

So when an acquaintance apologized for having thought I was an atheist, it got me thinking. As I explained to her that I am a Christian, a theist and not really have a qualm confessing my identity, I thought about it from her point of view. What attributes did she associate with atheism?

In one cyber conversation I had recently:

tani_toshida : oh are you an atheist, mint?
mintwilson : I quiet rightly pass as an atheist. *laughs*
matthew_kodadek : Yeah, are you a child murdering abortionistic, anti-god, satan loving, god hating atheist?!?!?!??!?
jholdencount : hey that sounds cool how can i become one of those
matthew_kodadek : Well, according to the religious side of my family I am one

You can't miss the sarcasm tone drip heavily in that short quote. If those attributes represent what an atheist is all about then I understand why the need to apologize for thinking me as an atheist. Do theists really think of atheists the way this Matthew portrays it ?

The face of atheism has gone through much changing this 30 years. At least in America. From a bitter, ranting, God-hating Madalyn Murray O'hair to Sam Harris or Zach Efron. Most young atheists I met are identifying them self with respected scientist or teenage movie star. They are cool. Atheism is hot stuff nowadays.

As the acquaintance explained it to me, it's the way I presented my self, opinions and arguments that similar to an atheist, I took that as a positive thing. But also a sad awareness came to my mind. What happen when your faith look irrational bordering ridiculous to the other side of the fence? When doubts are ignored and questions are not welcomed in church, and people dismiss the faith in god in the same basis as dismissing faith in Flying Spaghetti Monster, where this theist would go?

Theists have long list of really cool people. I know. They were and are big thinkers of their times. Augustine, Occam, William Lane Craig, Lennox. When did theism start to look as the equivalent of sloppy thinking?

One thing that I find wearisome, atheists that I interacted with some didn't even care with theism arguments or philosophical thought. They watched one zeitgeist video and that's enough evidence to parrot one point after another that Jesus Christ was a Horus copycat. When asked for reliable source, none can be presented. What happen to think for yourself? Some freethinkers.

I have wandered far from my topic. So is it an insult? Not really. Depends. But it would be nice to be known as Christian from what good thing I do.

Why firecrackering isn't a good way to gain this girl attention

2009-09-22T06:10:00.009+09:00

It's a festive week for Muslim world. Ramadhan, the holiest month in Islamic calender just ended. (Happy) Eid Mubarak, first of all to Muslim readers (if any).

I have my personal reason to be happy as well. Living in an area with strict Syariah Law, all foodie joints closed in Ramadhan now operate again full throttle. For someone whose cooking skill is non existent, that's something to celebrate.

But I do have a complaint, if I may. The noise. Yes, I know, there's no such thing as quiet party. Especially on occasion with this massive scale. I am fine with the "Takbir". Hours and hours of that till dawn, from the Mosque's loud speakers, it's something I have learned to accept as part of my neighbourhood identity. I am fine with the music as well. Not my type of music, but what can I say.

But my friends; firecrackers! I dislike no... no... hate, I hate them exploding noise. I curse who ever invented or thought for the first time that shocking and giving people cardiac arrest with mortar like sound is a fine entertainment. When I walked by the street, just around the corner I knew some boys were planning to share their darnest delights, but still I could not prepare how loud the explosion be. Oh my dear ear! Their giggling laughter and holler afterward tried my patience. They had guts to ask if I need a ride! I just hope they don't do that to someone with heart problem or to bikers or someone with gun.

Fireworks are fine. Less noisy too. I loved seeing the colourful night sky. I heard crackers exploded on and on and on. Till I slept, till I woke again 4 am in the morning. Another cracker just exploded as I type this.

The Other World

2009-09-05T17:51:00.011+09:00

Some pictures from my last travel.

The first sign that you are back to civilized world is when you see this:

Yup. Starbuck.

I went to some bookstores. There are rows and rows of Qurans and Islamic teaching. But only one shelf for other religions. You can see Joel Olsten's trade mark smile in that corner...

The interesting that I found there is the root of Hindu tradition in Indonesia still apparent in some corners. I saw many Ganesha statues. गणेश is one of Hindu deity who get rid of obstacles, god of arts and sciences, and the dewa (or deva, diva is the female form of this word) of intellect and wisdom.

That's all for now folks. I'll post other pictures later.

Something for Serp

2009-09-04T19:03:00.005+09:00

(click for larger image)

Something I did in between flights, meetings and some sleepless night while traveling. It's easier to get a picture done when I dedicate it to someone. I'll get some boost and motivation to finish it. This one is for you deary. I thought of you and McGee through out the process.

Hair, -fur to be specific is something I dislike to draw. Man, I would not do it again in any near time soon. Enjoy!

Deus Absconditus

2009-08-21T13:32:00.005+09:00

One of blogs that I read rise this question:

What do you do to keep yourself from feeling like God is simply a concept or, worse, a fairy tale?

Amids my constant fight with doubt and faith, the answers given there remind me some of my efforts to keep my faith alive. Like a relationship it needs works to keep going, only in this relationship one party is simply absent. Make it all seems just like a humongous cosmic joke day after day.

Things that keep me sane are things that also guard my faith. One of them is my love for nature, arts in general and everything beautiful. When my heart sings with appreciation for these things, I step back and think, if it's all nothing but neutrons and protons and electrons, and my sick mind convinced me that they have meaning ...I just..can't live with that thought.

The other one is the love my family shower me.

So far I have listed things that keep me believing God, not what I DO. Strangely my conversations with some unbelievers is one of what I do so I can mirror myself in them and see what I need to see. Human. All that pain and suffering. Fallen worlds.

When I read books or debate or article about god(s), God may seem more and more like simply a concept or an idea. To get me out of that state I only need to look out of my window and see human misery and what it would mean if there is nothing to it but a rat wheel we impose our self into.

When I encounter compassion, mercy and grace, I taste something like home. I purposely keep in touch with a group of believers who do humanitarian aids with limited means that they have. I see them and that's what I need to convince myself that Christ still have one more body part that not caught Gangrene.

I think this question is the other side of the coin of the question to atheists: "What would it take for you to believe that God is not a fairytale?".

Random Sketch

2009-08-16T16:27:00.011+09:00

Have I told you that I sketch? Well, I do. Like once in a 7 years. Like this one that I did 9 years ago:

Mmm.Not exactly a masterpiece. I believe anyone can draw. But without lots of practice I would remain at best a mediocre. If you wonder about the lines that's because when you draw on a whim, you'll not be prepared for any drawing material. I draw that in a lined note book after I saw a beautiful Chanel shade ad in a magazine.

After that I don't remember if I draw another one in between years. Around two weeks ago, I got this urge to practice my drawing again. And strangely I still on that moods for quite a long time enough this time. I initially wanted to give something mangalike to my teenage friend who loves manga much. But I'll keep that one for later.

These are some drawings that I've done this week.

Yup as you can see, I draw in a lined note book again. I don't have my drawing kit with me. The pencil I use is the regular pencil I use daily for writing.

This one below is my experiment with crayola colour pencil. I originally want to colour his eyes but decided I can not do his clear blue eyes enough justice so I leave it as it is.

My Table Top

2009-07-27T12:59:00.009+09:00

There's a meme in Christian blogosphere about putting up your table top pictures. It's kinda fun to see the places from where some articles that I enjoy reading originally created. Now since I am not part of that big player blogosphere superstars, I don't feel like to put mine there. But I am vain enough to put it in my own blog.

I am not the neatest gurl in town. But there it is my table and thinking chair. When I am tired of sitting I can easily move to my bed, sometimes I fall asleep while reading some boring websites I force myself to read as some self punishment for being stupid. I am masochistic that way.

There it is my lovely Dell. This monster is quite heavy and thick (around 1 inch). Now compare that to Air Mac. *Sighs*

You can see also some books that I currently have with me. From the left, I have:

Eugene Peterson's Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places,
Mars Hills Review,
A Themen Neu (It's a Germany course book. I've been learning Deutch for years but still can't get the grib of it). Speaking of Germany, up above is a Germany postcard. Niels, if you ever read this, Vielen Dank!
Philip Yancey's Reaching for The Invisible God
A Dalai Lama book.
Karen Armstrong's History of God.
Some Walls Street Journal book.

And my Dell's monitor screen covers some novels from JRR Tolkien's Hobbit to Ian Rankin's. That is an Ian Rankin's Resurrection Men you see beside my laptop. A Danish guy introduced me to Ian Rankin's works. Interesting stuffs. He gave me "Flood". It is a surreal story about a family and their struggle with death and life's pain surrounding a girl whose hair eerily changed colour into silver overnight.

Right about now, you must wonder why you waste your time for this. I, too, wonder why.

To be

2009-06-25T15:19:00.004+09:00

Alcoholic beverage is forbidden. But somebody serve beer to this 'we'. Hopefully no Syariah police catch this.

*laughs* Bahasa Indonesia has no 'to be' concept. So it's common to find this passive voice mistake. I make this grammar mishap too often it's embarrassing.

Down on my Knee

2009-06-25T11:08:00.007+09:00

It looks fine. I think. The first day, it was really painful while it didn't show any dreadful sign outside. The next days my knee turned into pretty colours. You can see that in the second picture, oh my swollen knee. I went to hospital in the 3rd day, and got it X-ray. Gosh how I hate hospital smell!

The lesson: While biking/driving pay attention to what's IN FRONT OF you not what's by the road side no matter how handsome or pretty they are.

Ateis

2009-06-20T19:02:00.003+09:00

Dear Mr Mulyo Sunyoto,

I read your column with the above title in KOMPAS. I have to disagree.

I think Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia has captured pretty much the definition of atheism. "Orang yang tidak percaya akan adanya Tuhan." You endorsed The Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary of Current English as a good defenition of what an atheist is. The Oxford dictionary defines atheist as "a person who believes that there is no God."

Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia emphasizes believe/disbelieve while The Oxford one gives emphasis on god(s) existence/non existence

The Oxford definition is a positive claim of god(s) non existence. A position most atheists wish not to defend. The onus probandi lies on the side making positive claims.

There are two statements “There is a God” and “There is No God.” To believe one of these statements requires faith since none of the above statement can be proven. PURE logic force atheists and theist alike to admit that concerning god(s) existence, one can only be an agnostic.

So Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia in essence has captured the meaning of that Greek word. It's about believe/disbelieve.

It doesn't matter if your friend Danu feel ashamed to admit he is an atheist because of what that definition suggest. That definition doesn't degrade atheists intelligence at all. Regarding God's existence, it's about faith after all. Not what you call "kecendekian".

For all your friend praise for atheism as alluring and spell bounding (menyihir-what's the English word for this one?) he sounds like one irrational people he mocked himself.

Yours sincerely,

Wilson

* I tried to find the e-version of your coloumn in KOMPAS online but failed to find it despite having almost 2 hours searching for it. I post the e-paper picture instead.

Neo Liberalism VS Ekonomi Kerakyatan

2009-06-17T10:32:00.005+09:00

Meh. I really would like to know what is 'Ekonomi Kerakyatan'. That sounds like Socialism to me, Sir. Hiding behind euphemism isn't going anywhere with some of us you know. And before I get arrested just because I would like to know where my country heading economically, I would let you know that I am not a SBY supporter either. I don't even plan to vote this election just because I refuse to elect the lesser evil from the 3 of you.

Now, about your campaign. Since I was trained in Keynesian tradition, I know how hard it is to shake the false notion that you can fight economic gravity. So I don't really blame all the fresh year students you've convinced to go berserk just in the mention of free market. That's just showing how bad our Economic Education drenched in Keynesian poison. I don't blame all that blue collar workers either for thinking that socialism would get them what they want, i.e higher minimum wage, just like you promise.

What I don't understand is the numbers of economists talk in TV condemning Boediono's alleged Neo Liberalism. Bleh! Boediono, for all that screams, still was a Bank Indonesia Governor. He made several regulations to counter balance market. Yet, his 'Neo Liberalism' you attack so far has brought us a more stable currency. How he was doing while taking care of our Rupiah? Better than his predecessor by far I say. Our inflation digit is one indication.

So spill it out, sir. What does ekonomi kerakyatan mean? From all school of Economic thought; Marxist, Keynesian, Monetarist, or Austrian, I suspect you are promoting Marxist more than Keynes. And that Sir, is the road to perdition. With all the ads theme; 'Membela Wong Cilik' motto, mix that with the fact of your military background, Fascism is what you have in mind for Indonesia.

Fishy Assumption

2009-06-04T20:42:00.002+09:00

"No believer will find his faith shaken by evidence that is evidence only in the light of assumptions he does not share and considers flatly wrong." ~Stanley Fish, CAMPOS: The atheist's dillema

Haram

2009-05-31T21:33:00.004+09:00

حرم ḥaram means forbidden.

So Counsil of Ulama has issued a verdict facebook is haram. That's the big news nowadays in Indonesia. Just like pork or the one that recently banned religiously, cigarette.

I don't have a facebook account and don't plan to have one. I have a number of social network sites that I used in the past. I didn't have time updating them regularly. So I don't plan to add another useless account just to be hip.

The reason of facebook banning? It facilitates people to meet others and that might lead to affairs. God forbids that happen.

My dear ulama, if issuing fatwa that facebook is haram can reduce the chance of people cheating their spouse, it would be grand. But the thing with human they aren't robots. Kalau niat yah...dimana aja dan kapan aja...melalui media apa saja. And why facebook? There are a lot of social network sites outhere before. Friendster, Yahoo Messenger, Skype, Hi5 etc..etc..Should we ban all of them all together? Or ..this will be better ...how about controlling internet usage..you know like China..

God forbids this country turn into like that kafir Amerika.

Addiction and Blasphemy

2009-04-29T18:32:00.008+09:00

At one time of my live, I thought Playstation 2 as the love of my life. If you don't know what Playstation 2 is, go google it. (But seriously, are you a cave man, you don't know what Playstation is?)

I was addicted. What else can you call it when I could no longer function well in real life, I constantly kept thinking of tactics and moves in some adventure videogames while having Micro Economy lecture, I even lost sleep over it. I curse my brother endlessly for introducing it to me. (Not! Hey B, if you ever read this, you still owe me one CD game.)

Now, I am a mature woman (*cough). At least a bit. I stopped playing PS 2 too obsessively around 4 years ago when my work demanded more and more of my time. And such a good timing too, my favourite console started coughing, too old now to play some of the high graphic games, it only plays Winning Eleven. I need to replace the reader optic belike. But since the price of PS 2 has recently cut to $99.99, maybe it's better if I get a new one.

So, there you have it, one other useless information about me (of course that's a different case if you are in marketing field doing demograpic research on game console consumers).

While I don't have much time to play videogames, I still do have time to read videogames news, and this one caught my attention yesterday: A blasphemous videogame?

Sony's managed to offend Christians and Muslims in recent years, and now, Hindu adherents are taking the Japanese console maker to task.

At issue is a Playstation game called "Hanuman: Boy Warrior", reportedly the first console game developed entirely in India. It allows its players to control Hanuman, a key figure in Hindu mythology, and that's riled up the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism, Rajan Zed, who said in a press release: "Controlling and manipulating Lord Hanuman with a joystick/button/keyboard/mouse was denigration. Lord Hanuman was not meant to be reduced to just a 'character' in a video game to solidify company/products base in the growing economy of India."

Zed, an acclaimed religious leader who has read prayers in the United States Senate, also pointed out that, as a Playstation 2 game, Hanuman would appear on shelves alongside such moral and upstanding icons as Barbie, Britney Spears, and the Jackass crew.

Ahem. Barbie? Britney Spears? Moral and upstanding icons?

When an entertainment use religious material as its 'inspiration' of course it's going to stir something. When one old colonial building (ex- gedung Imigrasi) was changed into a pub and renamed as 'Budha Bar' the outrage of Indonesian Buddhists held its operation on halt. Westerner might not see what's wrong with naming a pub as 'Buddha Bar' but for us Indonesian, a pub has a bad flavour in religious mindset, bad connotation. Pub might means public place to you, but to many 'órang biasa', its a place for drinking (drinking itself is 'a sin'), gambling, dancing (which is an abomination) and many other activities that frowned upon.

Freedom, it seems, has its limit. You are not at liberty when using lightly icons regarded as sacred by other. In fact, you are at peril when using prophets name (pbuh) in vain here.

Does it bother me when I repeatedly read some disturbingly insulting materials in some atheists forum? Yes, but I heard/read worse insults dragging God's name into mud coming from people who think they are being loving and faithful to God. Mea Culpa. I have my share of guilt too.

Earth Day

2009-04-22T18:47:00.005+09:00

Though the focus of non profit organization I work for isn't environment, Earth Day is a big day in my office. Early morning I recieved email routed by the boss to all staffs on what to do on this special ocassion.

Sometimes to an Asian like me all this 'gaia' celebration seems all weird to me. My upbringing planted a very different view of nature. It's ingrained I guess to think yourself as part of the mysterious natural world. But to set a day for it, it sounds too much.

Anyway, whenever there is a niche market, ofcourse there will be players there to gain from it. So for those poor soul, christians with environtment awareness in mind, they present a NRSV green Bible.

Here are links discussing this bible:

First Things'Alan Jacobs

The Green Bible- a waste of Greenbacks

The Green Bible website

And from Ben Myers'blog:

Perhaps (for a different niche market) we should also produce The Arsonist’s Bible, with verses highlighted orange wherever God burns, scorches, or blows shit up. “Because with 1134 references to fire and burning, and only 158 references to salvation, the Bible carries a powerful message for those who enjoy destroying things.”

Panic

2009-04-17T00:40:00.005+09:00

I don't have time to write but want to post anyway so I decide to resurrect one of my post from my yahoo 360. This is a post I wrote in October 2008.
Oh those suffering Americans.
An Austrian’s take on American’s moan:

MSNBC tells the sad, sad story about how Americans are having to tighten their belts. For example, in one heart rendering story, a guy is told by a car dealer that he can't buy a car unless he actually has some money! Can you imagine? What is this country coming to when you have to actually pay for stuff?

While this financial crisis isn’t something funny to laugh about, there is no reason for drama either. Even when Americans have to cut 0ff up to 50 % of their spending, their living standart is still better than 80% of the world.
Simplicity is freedom. In words, in fashion, in life-styles.
Getting tangled in credit debt for things that would be out dated in the next two months is patently vapid-financial-fashion statement. In Arthur Gish words: ‘We buy things we do not need with money we do not have to impress people we do not like.’

Luna Marina, Mermaid and God

2009-04-09T19:27:00.005+09:00

So I went through my yahoo 360 old archive and find this old writing I did in 2007: Luna, Marina, Mermaid and God. It reminds me of what hell I was going through that year. It also reminds me of how cocky I was. *laughs*

I enjoyed reading my thought back then. So I bring that piece to my new page here. Enjoy!

Been a long time, I decide to write again. Writing thoughts that I didn’t dare to say out loud. Things that bugged me…
Last Sunday I went to beach. Aceh has many beautiful beaches. And I mean beautiful. Perdy. Beach isn’t my favourite place to go. I can’t stand the heat. Besides I don’t need to tan my skin. Its pretty the way it is. Cappuccino brown. I don’t need it to get any darker. I do go to the beach every now and then to jog (in morning to avoid the heat). That afternoon I needed to run away and needed to ease pain torturing me lately. The sounds of rolling waves somehow soothe my troubled mind.
The sea that took thousands lives 2 years ago looked invitingly calm and pretty. Lots of people enjoyed their Sunday afternoon flying kites, playing football and drag racing. Just 2 days after semi big earthquake, but the place was packed with crowd. Seems the trauma from tsunami has lost its grip.
It’s a beautiful afternoon. I sat down in awe watching the horizon changed colours as the sun sank and drowned to the sea. The mysterious eternal dance between the sea and the shore invoked by some strange flirtation between our planet and Luna, causing tide, wet my jeans.
I felt so small and a thought came to my mind. “I am just a tiny little speck, a grain of sands, in this vast universe.” “Does God really care about my frivolous problems? Does a super being out there really listen to my trivial matters?” “Am I matter to Him?”
I smiled back at a man with camera who gestured a polite request to take my picture. Hah. How’s that not make a girl’s day.
As I passed by men, I heard one of them saying “Oh I thought a mermaid just came out of the sea…” Flattered, I couldn’t help but smiling. Generous compliment. But then I remembered that I wouldn’t want to look like a real mermaid (This animal look like a seal* by the way). I wanted to ask that man how do you know how a mermaid look like? While I knew what he meant when he said a ‘mermaid’, it didn’t stop me to feel a bit sullen. I wanted to ask him that kind of mermaid you have in mind, how you know that such creature exist. Then the question hit home. “How do I know that God do exist?”
As the sky turned indigo black I went home. Having walked this path in the shadow of doubt daily I am amazed why I can’t cease believing in a god who involves in human history, visited this small planet as a man Jesus.

Water

2009-03-23T12:00:00.003+09:00

It's water day. I should quote someone famous talking about it. But decide to post a PSA instead.

I am in no way related to Charity Water. I don't work for them. As someone who works in difficult area (tsunami affected area) I have ever experienced water problem first hand. How do you like bathing with stinky dark-almost blacken water?

Science

2009-03-12T20:30:00.003+09:00

An Empirical scientist ( a physicist) talks about Economy and the folly of Keynesian Economists.

I want to put the whole article here. But go click the link. It's worthy of the time.

Economics is a science in the same sense that mathematics and logic are sciences. Its claims are based on logical deduction from indisputable axioms, and may be illustrated historically, but never verified or falsified experimentally.
Benjamin C. Richards

Ïn time like this economic demise, get your basic economy 101 right, America. I mean come on Mr President, your spending scheme only help your country fall into deeper recession.

Human

2008-10-23T16:29:00.011+09:00

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us. ~ Paul Valery

Reading comments in a friend's blog, this quote came up to my mind. There, I realized times I offer metaphor to one who looks for tangible proof.

Reason

2008-10-17T18:57:00.004+09:00

"Reason is itself a matter of faith. It is an act of faith to assert that our thoughts have any relation to reality at all."

G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

Charity

2008-02-21T14:58:00.001+09:00

Charity is never so lovely as when one has lost consciousness that one is practicing charity. "You mean I helped you? I was enjoying myself. I was just doing my dance. It helped you, that's wonderful. Congratulations to you. No credit to me."

Anthony de Mello

First

2008-02-20T16:58:00.003+09:00

This is supposed to be the page where I blab a little about myself. What do you need to know?

I am a woman. I need to make this clear from the start since I've been mistakenly thought as a male a number of times in cyber interactions. Adjectives I usually use to describe myself: chronic melancholic, ambivalent, and impulsive. I am a disaster in kitchen. When I ride my bike for your safety sake, make sure you are not nearby. I am dangerous like that. One more thing, I am an Indonesian. Keep that in mind while you peruse my blog. It means there are linguistic errors in my writing for my English can only be categorized as moderately sufficient. You might also find my wording a bit unusual. My cultural background influences me much so sometimes I just can't help it.

I would likely not be able to post in regular basis. As I said elsewhere; " ...My blogging from the start is meant for my own amusement. I don't want to add burden of writing to my migraine prone head. Believe me, for someone not endowed with writing skill and also whose mother tongue isn't English, writing a concise interesting worthwhile article sometimes can not be regarded as amusement."

I wrote a post about the reason why I blog in my dead 360 page which would help some people to know me a bit. Here is a snipet of what I wrote there:

"... And I think and think and think. All that thinking need outlet. Or I would explode.

I have tried several times to have discussion with some real world friends who can stand my not-so-sequential way of thinking. If they not think that I am mad or maybe heretic; they just can’t stand my snarkiness. (Yes, it’s hard to believe, but this ‘sweet girl’ you know is quite famous for her cynical comments). I keep my thought to myself from then on. People look at me as if I were green (or purple, depends on your color preference) when I am in the mood of charity of sharing them the dark side of my brain.

Hence my blogging. I need someone to bounce up ideas..."

From that piece you probably think I have mental illness. I can't blame you for thinking so.