I am St. Melito of Sardis

It's my first post for 2011. I have so many things in my mind that I wanted to write about. I have not found the time to stop and gather my thought to create imagery and confine them in English grammar structure.

This is just a quick filler before that time come. A "what kind of drink are you?"  "Oh, I am a  lemon bitter tea;  my life is a tragedy and you are the cause of it"-quiz, only this time it's about Church Father. So I found out that I am St Merlito of Sardis:

You’re St. Melito of Sardis! You have a great love of history and liturgy. You’re attached to the traditions of the ancients, yet you recognize that the old world — great as it was — is passing away. You are loyal to the customs of your family, though you do not hesitate to call family members to account for their sins. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

The picture is from Pitt Theology Library
From 5 strange choices, it came out that conclusion. Yes only 5. One of the choices is about guilty pleasure and from all of the options none is what I can call even remotely as pleasure. Self mutilation certainly is not.

I had no idea who was St. Melito so I surfed a bit and ended up reading about Marcus Aurelius instead. St. Melito wrote a letter to this Roman Emperor. Church celebrates St Melito feast's on 1st April. The day that largely known as the Fool's day. (Sighs)...That's me all right.

Banana Bread and Frisbee

That's my first bread ever. Trust this hapless-in-kitchen girl to turn a simple recipe of white bread into a flying disc. Really. It's hard as stone. The taste was awful.

But I am persistent. And the fruit is this beautiful thing:

 A banana bread which smell wonderful and taste just as awesome. I am quite proud of it.

I got the recipe from a site called Freshloaf :

Better Banana Bread
Makes 1 huge loaf or 3 small loaves

Preheat the oven to 350.

In one bowl, combine:

1/2 stick (4-5 tablespoons) butter, softened
2 eggs
2 or 3 very ripe bananas
1 cup vanilla or plain yogurt
2/3 cup sugar

Use a potato masher, fork, or spoon to squish the banana and mix the ingredients together.

In another bowl, combine:

1 1/2 cup all-purpose unbleached flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)

Combine the wet and dry ingredients and mix until the ingredients are blended together.

Pour the dough into greased baking pans and bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. 

Enjoy!

Nagging doubts

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.- Rene Descartes

So, I have my doubt. It is not something that I am proud of but it is just the way it is. And carrying torches from long line of believers that have been dealing with their own doubts, I am glad to say that I have come to term with mine. I accept that my doubt co-exist with my faith everyday and collide just as often and I am okay with it.

Some of my doubt sprung  more because of what ingrain in me and of who I am, I think. I am an Asian girl. With that come some set of way of thinking which I find quite the opposite of what Church teach (or what I think what my Church teach, btw my Church basically have this western tradition and not the Orthodox Asian kind). 

Like how I find the duality in life. Of  happiness and sadness. Good and bad. Yin and Yang.They exist side by side. Without one the other will render meaningless. I find joy in relieving my sore body in warm bubble bath  after a long day working in a humid climate. There is element of pain there without which I would not find this kind of joy. The two sides intertwine each other. I like being sad. I am odd that way. But only through sadness I know what it means being happy. 

Pain is another sign you are alive. I don't know how Western view pain. What I know how they try to escape it like some plague. How many pain reliever there is on market? Things to numb your senses for a while so you would not feel that your body is giving you signal that something need to be fixed.

This view I hold come in classing with what Christianity teach of heaven:

 Revelation 21:
¹Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ²I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (New International Version)

I can not for the life of me imagine such a world without pain and sadness. I probably would not like it. If there is no tear what's the meaning of laughter? How bored would I be. How would my eyes work if the system of pain that protect them all this time lifted? That kind of place is not heaven for me. It's hell. And to imagine it's going on FOREVER....my birdbrain just...explodes into pieces. (I know I exaggerated there, but still). Forever is such a scary word.

The other thing is about God who care enough about bird and some field flower but when it comes to my beloved ones becomes very vague about His provision. I mean no matter how much I pray, the outcome is not contingent of that prayers. What kind of god ask me to trust Him and pray but when it matters most He step away. 

I doubt in sentimental things. I even doubt my Christian experiences. They seems so far away now. In hind sight, I often thought about it and wonder if it's only my emotional reaction to some event in my life. Did I fake it? No. When I experienced it, I felt it genuinely, but what if my senses played a trick on me. It seems God think I am a real grown up now since I rarely have this kind of assurance anymore. They say only baby Christians need constant reminder of God's presence.

This line of thinking sometimes tortures me. Having gone trough it  makes me appreciate my atheist  friends better. I might have made my way to prayer list of some Christians out there with this. Those who just are so sure about their faith. It doesn't matter. I'll live. Faith and doubt and all. It's just me.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"- Mark 9:24